Seinfeld – The Worst Show Ever
By Kyle Randolph

Act One

Scene A

Fade in:
Int. Monk’s Cafe – Day
Jerry, Kramer and Elaine are sitting at their usual table. Jerry is sitting on the left side, Kramer and Elaine on the right.

Jerry
	A mail-order bride? Why?
Kramer
	Tax season, Jerry, it’s comin’ up, and I tell you, they’ll be after me. I get myself settled 			down, it lessen the blow.

Jerry
	Why would they be after you? You don’t do anything, how much could you owe?
Kramer
	A lot.
Jerry
	There has to be something illegal about this.
Kramer
	No, no, it’s all legit, I just had to pay to have her sent over.
Elaine
	You don’t think there’s anything wrong with buying another person?
Kramer
	They put themselves up for sale, I’m just the consumer.
Elaine
	How did you even find one in the first place?

Kramer
	Oh, the internet.

Jerry
	Ah, technology, the future is now.

George enters holding a small flyer in his hands, looking confused and shooting a glance or two back out the door.

Jerry
	What’s the matter?
George
	(sits down) This guy outside just gave me this flyer.
Kramer
	What is it?
George
	I don’t know, he said it was his life story.
Jerry
	His life story? If you can fit your life story on a flyer I’d say that things aren’t turning out 			so well for you.

Elaine
	What’s it say?
George
	(Looking at flyer) There’s some stuff about being a teenager, drugs, alcohol, saved by 			Jesus, the usual…He doesn’t even use the whole sheet of paper, most of it’s blank.
	(Slightly condescending) Boy, if that’s all he has to say about his life that must be one 			sad guy.

Jerry
	How much do you think it could take to sum up your life story?
George
	I don’t know, more than this.
Jerry
	I bet you couldn’t write more than one page.

George
	(scoffs) Sure I could.
Jerry
	I’d like to see it.
George
	Trust me, I have plenty to write about.
Jerry
	I’ll bet you fifty bucks you wouldn’t come up with anything.
George
	Okay… Okay, you’re on.
Jerry
	(checks watch) Well, I’ve got a dentist’s appointment to get to. Good luck on writing your 			life. Kramer, congratulations, there couldn’t be a more eligible bachelor.

Jerry exits.
George
	What’s he talking about?
Kramer
	I’m getting hitched!
Elaine
	Mail-order bride.
George
	That doesn’t surprise me.
Kramer
	That reminds me, her plane’s going to be here soon, you want to come with me to pick 			her up?

George
	Nah, that sounds too awkward. What do you say when you meet her? “Nice to meet you, 	I’m your husband?”

Kramer looks to Elaine.
Elaine
	Oh there’s no way I can miss this.

Cut to:

Act One

Scene B

Int. Elevator – Day

Jerry is leaving from his appointment and enters the elevator occupied only by a lone woman. He gives her a smile and she gives one back. The doors of the elevator close, the gears begin to move and the elevator descends, with both of them now silently watching the numbered lights above. After the elevator passes the fifth floor the lights quit shifting and the gears cease to move. They share a confused look. Jerry hits a few buttons hoping the elevator will move again, but it’s not going anywhere.

Jerry
	I don’t believe this. What do we do?

The woman shrugs. Jerry looks around again.
Jerry
	I guess we have to use this phone thing.

Jerry presses the help button above the speaker on the emergency elevator phone. A series of beeps like numbers being dialed emits from the speaker and after a ring someone picks up.

Man
	Security.
Jerry
	Hi. Yeah, a woman and I are trapped in one of your elevators.
Man
	All right, sir, which one?
Jerry
	How should I know? Try the one that isn’t moving anymore.
Man
	Hey, keep yourself calm. Just sit tight, we’ll have you out in a minute, funny man.

Jerry
	I’ll have you know that’s my profession.

SFX: Phone hangs up.
Jerry steps back and leans against the rear the elevator. Jerry looks toward the woman.

Jerry
	(scoffs) ‘Funny man.’ Can you believe that?

The woman makes a half smile and nods. Jerry sighs, then regards the phone.
Jerry
	I wonder if that were programmed differently we could get it to order a pizza or				something while we wait.

Jerry waits for a reaction, a laugh, a chuckle, but nothing.
Jerry
	I really am a stand-up comedian, though. My material is funnier than that…

There’s an awkward moment of silence. Jerry, now feeling the utmost necessity to get this woman to laugh, launches into one of his bits.

Jerry
	Ever been dating? Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job 			interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is 			that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. 			‘Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet 			some of the people you'll be working with?’

Jerry looks hopefully at the woman, expecting a full, long burst of laughter. The woman is very disinterested, looking about the elevator. Jerry is flattened.

Jerry
	Well, this is no good.

Cut to:

Act One

Scene C

Int. LaGuardia International Airport – Day
Kramer and Elaine are standing outside a gate at LaGuardia. The plane hasn’t arrived yet.
Elaine
	How do we know which one she is?
Kramer
	Oh, she’ll recognize me, I included a photo. I’m even wearing the same clothes.
Elaine
	So, what are you going to do with her? Is she going to stay at your place?
Kramer
	Yeah, I cleaned the place up a bit, she’ll be fine.
Elaine
	But what’s she going to do? Stay in your apartment all day?
Kramer
	She’ll have plenty to do. I picked her based on her housekeeping and cooking qualities,			she’ll look after things on the home front.
Elaine
	(pauses) You’re not going to sleep with her, are you?
Kramer
	Of course. It is customary for a man and a woman in the holy bonds of wedlock to share 			the same bed together.

Elaine
	(disgusted) Do you even hear yourself when you speak?

Kramer motions with his hand for Elaine to quiet down and listens intently to the announcement being made.

Kramer
	(Quickly) Tut tut tut…
Female Voice
	Repeat, flight 313 from Moscow has arrived and is deboarding at gate 22.
Kramer claps his hands and rubs them together and looks toward Elaine.
Kramer
	(excitedly) She’s here!
Several passengers start coming through the gate, Kramer never loses his excited look while they each pass by him. Finally, a tall, young, handsome Russian man holding a duffel bag emerges from the gate, looks around, sees Kramer and then approaches him. 

Vlad
	You are Mr. Kramer, yes?
Kramer
	(Confused) Yes…
The Russian man drops the bag and tightly embraces Kramer. Kramer tries to struggle free.

Kramer
	Hey! What the–?
Kramer pushes Vlad away.
Kramer
	What is this? Who are you?
Vlad
	I am Vlad, you sent for me.

A grin forms on Elaine’s face.
Elaine
	I’m suddenly very glad I came along for this.
Kramer
	(A bit rattled, echoing Jerry’s earlier experience) Well, this is no good…
Fade out:

End of Act One

Act Two

Scene D

Int. Jerry’s Apartment – Day
Jerry is in the kitchen and Elaine is sitting on the couch. Jerry is drinking milk from the carton as he talks to her.

Elaine
	She didn’t react at all?
Jerry
	No! Not a word! I was giving her some of my best stuff and it was like I was doing a set 			for Pol Pot.

Jerry stops and pauses.
Jerry
	I am still funny, right?
Elaine
	(Shrugs) Eh, you have your moments.
Jerry
	My moments? This is what I do for a living!
Elaine
	Oh come on, this can’t be the first time someone hasn’t laughed at one of your 				jokes.

Jerry
	What’s that supposed to mean?
Elaine is silent.
SFX: Buzzer
Jerry
	That has to be George. (Presses button) Come on up. (Turns back to Elaine) No, what 			did you mean by that?

Elaine
	Not all your jokes are gems, Jerry, some of them just aren’t that funny.
Jerry
	Oh, stop it… Which ones?
Elaine
	I don’t know. Try me, give me one.

Jerry
	All right, all right… (pauses)… I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I 			noticed that the word ‘ambulance’ was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the				ambulance. And I thought, ‘Well, isn't that clever.’ I look in the rear-view mirror, I can 			read the word ‘ambulance’ behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see 			where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up 			some business on the way back from lunch.

Jerry looks intently at Elaine. She fakes a very unconvincing laugh.
Jerry
	(Sarcastically) Gee, thanks, you’ve been a wonderful audience. This is going to bother			me all day now.

George enters and slams the door.
George
	I have no life!
Elaine
	What’s the matter?
George
	I sat down to try to write my life story out and…
Jerry
	You blanked, didn’t you?
George
	Nothing! I got nothing! I put my hands on the keyboard and I blanked.
Jerry
	You blanked.
George
	I blanked.

Jerry
	I think someone owes me some money.
George
	Oh no! You didn’t give me a time limit, I’m not giving up yet!

Jerry
	What time limit? You tried and you failed, you owe me!
George
	You didn’t say I only had one chance. You give me another shot and I know I’ll have 			something.

Jerry
	Fine.
Kramer enters.
Kramer
	Hey guys.
Kramer heads for the fridge and sticks his head in.
Kramer
	(From inside the refrigerator) Hey, what do Russian people eat?
Jerry
	What is she, a gerbil? They eat the same things we eat.
Elaine
	He.
Jerry
	What?

Elaine
	He. Kramer’s mail-order bride is a man.
Jerry
	How did that happen?
Kramer is taking a few things out of the refrigerator.

Kramer
	I don’t know, they might’ve made a mistake or I must’ve filled the application out wrong 			or something.
Jerry
	What are you going to do with him? Don’t tell me you’re going to marry him.
Kramer
	No, no, I’ve got to find a way to send him back somehow.
George
	Send him back? Don’t you need a receipt for that?
Elaine laughs.
Jerry
	Oh, so that’s funny? George, you think I’m funny, right?
George
	(Shrugs) Eh.
Jerry
	‘Eh?!’ What does that mean? Kramer, you think I’m funny?
Kramer
	Oh, I don’t want to get involved with this.
Jerry
	I can’t take this.
Jerry grabs his keys and his jacket and heads for the door.

George
	Hey, where are you going?
Jerry
	I have to find that woman.
George
	What woman?
Elaine
	There’s this woman who wouldn’t laugh at any of his jokes. (To Jerry) How are you going 	to find her, you don’t even know her name.

Jerry
	I can track her down at the building, I’m sure.
George
	She didn’t laugh, so what? Some people are just that way, it’s not a big deal.
Jerry
	You don’t understand, if I can’t make this woman laugh, my whole career may be a lie!
Jerry exits, slamming the door. Kramer lifts his head from the refrigerator holding a handfuls of various food items.
Kramer
	He’s got problems.
George and Elaine look at Kramer.
Kramer
	What? (Sniffs) Hey, what’s that smell?
George
	I think it’s coming from your apartment… Is he cooking?
Elaine
	Wow, whatever it is it smells really good. I’m going to check it out, you coming?
Kramer
	No, you go on ahead, I’m going to see what else Jerry has got.
George
	Yeah, and I’d better go and figure out what I’ve accomplished in my life.
Elaine
	All right.
Elaine exits.
Cut to:

Act Two

Scene E

Int. Medical Building – Day
Jerry is roaming the corridors of the building his dentist’s office is located in, searching for the woman he was trapped in the elevator earlier with. Jerry turns a corner and spots her.

Cut to:
Int. Waiting Room – Day
Jerry enters a small waiting room with several chairs around the walls with people in them quietly reading magazines. The woman is standing in front of the sign-in desk filling out a form, Jerry approaches her, taps her on the shoulder and she turns around.

Jerry
	Oh, thank god I found you. I’m sure you remember me from the other day.
The woman smiles and nods.
Jerry
	Listen, this is going to sound really weird, but it’s very important that I make you laugh, 			okay?

The woman half-cocks her head.
Jerry
	I know, I know, it’s weird, but it’s important, so here goes…
Jerry clears his throat and enters his stand-up mode.
Jerry
	I think the idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the 			same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining 			together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety 			device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case 			the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next 			guy.

The woman continues staring at him in an odd way.
Jerry
	No good? Damn, okay, think…
Jerry is slowly becoming distraught from his inability to make a single person laugh. He turns around, clearing his head to think, he runs a hand through his hair. While Jerry is deep in his obsession, an orderly appears on the other side of the desk and the two women communicate with sign language. The orderly walks away and Jerry turns back around.

Jerry
	Okay, I’ve got it, this one never fails… You can measure distance by time. ‘How far away 	is it?’ ’Oh about 20 minutes.’ But it doesn't work the other way. ‘When do you get off 			work?’ ‘Around 3 miles.’

The woman, appearing very unamused to Jerry, walks around him and beyond a door into the doctor’s office.

Jerry
	Hey, wait, where are you going? Nothing? Not even a chuckle? (Jerry is yelling at this 			point) I’ll crack you some day! You haven’t seen the last of Jerry Seinfeld! I’m funny!

Jerry looks around the room to see that the others in the waiting room are staring at him.
Jerry
	What? Oh, I’d like to see you do better!
Jerry exits angrily. Two men in the waiting room watch him leave and then turn to face one another. They begin using sign language.

Man #1 (subtitled)
	What was that about?
Man #2 (subtitled)
	Beats me.

Cut to:

Act Two

Scene F

Int. Kramer’s Apartment – Day
Elaine and Vlad are on Kramer’s couch engrossed in a heavy session of making out. This goes on for nearly half a minute until Kramer walks in with large armfuls of food. Upon noticing the scene in the room Kramer drops everything. Kramer slams the door and points at Elaine.

Kramer
	Jezebel!
Elaine and Vlad get off one another and sit at opposite ends of the couch. Elaine is trying to straighten her clothes.
Elaine
	Oh, Kramer, hi, I was just helping Vlad, uh, cook.
Kramer
	Get out!
Kramer grabs Elaine’s arm and leads her towards the door.
Elaine
	Hey, what are you doing? Kramer!
Kramer opens the door with his free hand and leads Elaine out, she looks toward Vlad.

Elaine
	Call me!
Kramer slams the door again. The two share a tense moment of silence, Vlad sits on the corner of the couch, looking at the floor, ashamed.

Kramer
	(Way over-the-top, soap opera-style) Was she worth it? Huh? (Pause) What about us? 			Did you stop and think about what it would do to our relationship? After everything we’ve 			been through together you throw it away in an instant!

Vlad remains still, Kramer walks to the window and looks out.
Kramer
	I don’t know what to say to all this, Vlad. There’s just been too much pressure on both of 			us. (Pause) I think maybe it’s time we’ve had some time apart.

Vlad picks up his duffel bag and throws it over his shoulder. He approaches Kramer still at the window and touches his shoulder.

Kramer
	(Exaggerated tearfulness) No, it’s too late. Just go.
Vlad exits. Kramer lets out a ridiculously loud sob.

Cut to:

Act Two

Scene G

Int. Jerry’s Apartment – Day
George enters and shuts the door behind him, he’s holding a good-sized manuscript in his hand.

Jerry
	Hey.
George
	Hey. You find that woman?
Jerry
	I’d rather not talk about it, I’m just going to let this one go, taking criticism is part of the 			job.

Jerry notices the manuscript.
Jerry
	What’s that?
George
	(confidently) Guess.
Jerry
	(surprised) Is that your life story?
George
	(Beaming) It sure is. I sat down and I focused, and it all came to me in an instant.
Jerry
	(Impressed) That’s quite a lot.
George
	Much more than just one page, as you can see. I think this settles the bet.
Jerry
	Let me see it.
George
	(Defensively) Hey, you know me, this wouldn’t be anything new to you.
Jerry
	Come on, I want to see it, let me skim through it.
George
	(Pauses) Oh fine.
George hands Jerry the manuscript. Jerry takes it and thumbs through a few pages, then he stops.
Jerry
	Wait a minute, you’ve never been to India.
Jerry skims through another few pages.
Jerry
	When did you climb Mount Whitney? You never did that, you can’t even climb a ladder. 			What is this?

George
	Okay! I admit, I may have… borrowed a few pieces.
Jerry
	(Pause) Borrowed? Are you telling me you plagiarized your life story?

George
	I didn’t say that!
Jerry stares at George.
George
	It’s mostly my story!
Jerry remains silent.
George
	You can’t prove anything!
Beat.
George
	Oh, all right.
George reaches for his wallet.
Fade out:
End of Show